


Hello

by dawittiest



Category: Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mindwipe, Not A Fix-It, Past Relationship(s), Post-Incursions, Steve Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 03:45:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5232728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawittiest/pseuds/dawittiest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been two years since the Incursions but some ghosts of the past still refuse to let Steve go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hello

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been listening to Adele’s _Hello_ endlessly on a loop and this is the result. So if you know the lyrics, um? Spoiler alert? For pretty much everything, except it’s with Steve/Tony.
> 
> It takes place after the Incursions problem has been solved (as it should have been) and it’s past relationship so it's kinda AU but not so much that it warrants a tag, I think.
> 
> Much obliged to [ravenisthegem](http://ravenisthegem.tumblr.com/) and [autumnchris](http://autumnchris.tumblr.com/) for beta!

The phone rings half past midnight. Steve lets it go to the answering machine, not bothering to raise his gaze from the paperwork he’s been hunched over all evening, but his muscles tense involuntarily betraying his composure. He thinks briefly that maybe he should get up and disconnect the call, that he should finally put a stop to it, that he should change the damn phone number – the same thoughts he has every time but he doesn’t move an inch, as always unfailingly letting it happen.

“Hello,” Tony’s hoarse voice fills the room. Steve briefly closes his eyes; he’s never quite prepared for it, each time sounding a little sadder that he remembered, a little more achingly familiar. Steve is always afraid that one day he won’t be able to recall Tony’s voice– he tries to commit every little sound to his memory, replaying the way he chattered and laughed because he knows he won’t get to hear it again - but it’s like no time has passed and it was only yesterday that Tony raised his head and smiled at Steve easily over the morning coffee for the last time. There’s a slight hitch to Tony’s voice; Steve knows he’s been drinking, he always can tell, but he’s not far gone, there’s no slur in his words, and they’re ringing out deafeningly in the silence.

“Uh, Steve,” Tony is saying. “I don’t know if you still have this number or… I know you probably don’t want to talk to me but I’ve been calling you and you’ve never told me to fuck off so I’m gonna keep trying…”

There’s a mirthless chuckle on the other side of the line that feels like a stab to his gut, and it hits Steve that he has never heard Tony sound so sad and so small. He had a way of seemingly without an effort commanding everyone’s attention, his electric personality and bright mind filling up every room. It was one of the things that Steve loved about him. One more, it seems, they don’t have anymore.

“Then again you’ve never picked up either… Maybe I should just take the hint. But, um, I’m drunk,” and there’s that horrible little note in his voice, that self-depreciating tone Steve hates. “And, um, prone to making bad life choices, as you know.” A sigh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called but… I’m in California,” he says apropos of nothing. “As you probably know, Resilient main complex moved there a while back, or maybe you don’t, I doubt you follow me on the news.” Steve does, almost obsessively so, watching interviews and galas, and even keeping the track of Resilient’s steady ascent on the stock, and how many times Carol told him to call, but he’s too much of a coward, Tony’s always been a driving force behind their relationship and even now he can’t get himself to answer the damn phone. “And I was wondering… Clint approached me yesterday, about the West Coast Avengers… I don’t know why they still want me in, I should probably be grateful… But it feels wrong to be on the team without you.” Steve clenches his fist and digs his nails into the skin hard enough it hurts. He tries to focus on the reports but they get blurry before his eyes so he just pinches them shut and pretends not to hear Tony’s voice with every fiber of his being.

“The Avengers… are _you_ , Cap. I miss it, like air, but it won’t be what it used to be, it won’t be _family_ , not when you’re not there… Me, Thor… Jan and Hank… we may have founded the team but it wasn’t what the Avengers came to mean, it wasn’t _the_ _ideal_ , until you. I’ve always associated the team with you, Steve, even in the early days when superheroes were still a novelty and we were getting our asses kicked by the Mole Man every other Tuesday.” There’s a trace of almost-smile in his voice but also of terrible longing. This used to be a source of admiration for Steve, that the man such as Tony Stark, who was changing the world every day with his clever hands and incredible ideas and always kept his eyes pointed towards the future, still had a place in his heart for sentiment. It was later that he learned that past haunted Tony more than it gave him strength.

“I miss it. It was a simpler time, a happier time. Back before the universal wars and doomsday scenarios consumed us. I know you always glorify the past, that it’s rarely as great as we remember it… but it really was. God, we were so _young_ then… and still so naïve, even you. Jan thought that being a superhero would be a glamorous adventure and I think I kind of did too. Before I stopped thinking of it as an honorable privilege and started thinking of it as a somber duty. I… I think there might have been a time when I was close to being the best version of myself that I ever could. To being the man you always believed me to be. I never was but… that was as close as I got.” He pauses and it feels like a moment of silence for both of them to mourn their lost innocence. “I almost don’t remember the person I used to be then. You know, it’s funny, I’ve lost memories before but I never felt so disconnected, like I was as much of a stranger to myself as I am right now.”

Steve does and for a moment he refuses to believe that this broken man, who’s light-years away from everything he admired and loved about him is Tony Stark. He remembers when it was the two of them together, and the feeling he was ten feet tall, because no matter what he had to face he’d have Tony at his side. And maybe Tony is right about their golden past existing solely in memories but Steve can’t bear the sickening thought that they never even had it, that all that was beautiful and pure was just in his mind, so he clings to it desperately.

“I, uh… it’s today,” Tony chokes. His voice sounds wet. “It’s- today is two years since… Uh, I haven’t seen you for two years and I thought… Maybe we could meet?” Tony’s voice breaks a little and Steve digs his nails harder until he draws blood. “You know, to… have a proper closure, without raw emotions getting in the way and, maybe… go over our regrets… how does this saying go, time heals everything, right?” Steve has a sudden urge to laugh hysterically because it’s been two years and it still feels like his heart is an open wound. “But I… I don’t think I could ever heal after you, Steve,” he mumbles and Steve is overcome with a sudden flow of tenderness, because this is _so Tony_ , his endearing melodramatics and big confessions, and anger, because it is _him_ who was hurt and how Tony dares to make it about his own pain when it was him who tore them apart.

“I’m sorry,” Tony blurts suddenly. “I’m… I’m only talking about myself, shit, I’m sorry, I always do that, I wanted… I wanted to ask, how have you been?” This is also typical of Tony, Steve thinks with sadness, to completely undermine himself, to place his needs below others’, when he’s the most selfless and generous person Steve knows. Until it comes to _the greater good_ and he becomes the most selfish bastard he has ever met. “I hope… I hope you’re happy, Steve,” Tony says quietly and there are many conflicted feelings battling in Steve, because he’s anything but. “You really deserve that, after everything.”

There’s a soft click to the lock and Carol appears in the doorstep. Steve snaps his head up feeling like she caught him in the middle of a criminal act. She hesitates, thrown off guard by his wide-eyed panic, whatever she came to him about forgotten for now.

“I used to think that maybe I could be the one to make you happy but… I just hope I’m not a reason you’re not,” Tony says and Carol’s expression changes from confused to pained.

 “Oh, Steve,” she says softly. He turns his head away not to see the pity on Carol’s face.

“I know that I’ve called you a hundred times already and you’re probably not even listening to this… but _I’m sorry_ , I really am, for… all that I’ve done, I know you hate me and it won’t make any difference but it still has to be said.” They’re both crying now, tears falling from Steve’s pinched eyes and a hitch in Tony’s labored breath. Carol moves to stand behind him and puts a gentle hand to his shoulder. Steve thinks maybe he should be throwing her out but he doesn’t have any strength left so he leans into her touch and silently weeps.

“I tried to tell you this so many times but you never answer… but that’s alright, I’ll keep trying, it’s never gonna be enough but it’s gotta count for something… Please, I _need_ it to mean something…”

It does and it doesn’t, because it doesn’t _change_ a damn thing and Steve wishes Tony would just stop torturing them both. He supposes Tony always had a masochistic streak, and maybe he does too, because he can’t make himself give up the last remains of Tony in his life.

“I-uh, I’m sorry that I broke your heart,” Tony chokes. “But, believe me, it broke my heart to do it, too…”

Steve _hates_ Tony for this, for calling and rubbing salt into his wounds, for always choosing to sacrifice them first, discarding everything they had like it’s _nothing_ , and having the audacity to _still fucking care_. For failing so spectacularly at hiding behind an emotionless mask and not even giving Steve that, how easy it would be to resent him then; but mostly he loves him, after everything, and Tony might have broken his heart but every last piece still beats for him.

“I’m… I guess it doesn’t really matter, now… It clearly doesn’t matter to _you_ anymore, Steve, so…” He trails off and for a while there’s only the sound of Tony sobbing quietly on the other side of the line and then the call cuts abruptly. Steve almost bites his lower lip off, trying to prevent sobs from escaping, but it’s no use. Carol for once keeps her opinions to herself and stays with him running her fingers through his hair and making soothing noises; he thinks about Tony, alone on the other side of the continent, and how there’s no one to hold him through his tears and maybe once Steve would have thought he deserves it, but now it just makes him weep harder until he tires himself enough that he doesn’t have any strength left to cry.


End file.
